Inhale + Exhale YIELDS A Mess

- You know, I always wondered "Evelyn, WHY don't you smoke weed?"...well, I got one step closer to my answer last night: Walking into the UV Center, I couldn't help but blurt out "DAMN it smells like WEED in here!" Said "hi" to the dude working the desk, and then before I hit the lounge area, went into "whodoneit" mode. So, we have missthing sleeping on the couch, and a trio of guys playing pool by the door. Stereotypical sense says "These negroes been smokin' something GOOD (or bad) !!!" So naturally, I waltz over their direction to get a whiff of AxeWeed. I got nothin. They looked/smelled normal. Now, I'm pissed because I wanted to be right (like the neighbor who accuses you of stealing her oranges because she "saw you!") I get called back over to the desk and I am informed that missthing has been sleep on that couch for nearly an hour waiting for someone. Aight cool, I say "Call me if she's still here at 8:30" Get called. She's just waking up. She was very polite, slightly embarassed, blatantly high. What got me closer to figuring out why I don't smoke was the fact that this girl and I were roughly the same size and height. When she got up, all her clothes were bunched up and a bad amount of stomach and ass came out. I was embarassed for her. She couldn't find her keys. And when her friend came in she was like "I don't know what happened. Girl, I been sleep here for 2hrs..."

Now, if you smoke, more power and wisdom to you. But damn...wear a Snuggie.

"Fools be havin' them vaccuum lungs..."
-The Luniz

"Different' Doesn't Necessarily Mean 'Better'...

Got the title from Queen Latifah's character, Zora, in "House Party 2".

In this particular scene where she utters this declaration, Zora is talking to Sydney (Tisha Campbell's character). Sydney was excited about talking to this new guy after her breakup with Kid (Man, Kid is all I know him as...it's Christopher somethinoranother). The scene was blogworthy to me because of the way the dude pumped her head up with some fabricated story about the reasons Kid broke up with her. Of course, she was upset, and took everything the dude was saying to heart. You know the whole "I just don't think he respects/appreciates/cares about you..." line that dudes sell to females. And you also know the whole "I can see the light now that you've turned it on for me" attitude that females take away from that line. Sydney was so impressed with how 'different' this guy was from Kid. Well, lemme tell you something...

I don't know if it's because I've always observed the relationships my friends have had, or if it's because I myself am looking for something 'different' than what I've accepted, but I can attest that 'different' doesn't necessarily mean better.

I've been kinda praying for a different situation than I'm in currently. In all aspects of my life, not just in my relationships (or lack thereof) with men. Sitting in my room every day makes me long to be outside doing something. Being unemployed makes me want to go to work. Being single makes me want to be in a relationship. Being a virgin (yes, you read that right) makes me want to have sex every hour of the day. Just to have something different.

There's a reason why I (and you) are in the situation we are in. It's apart of God's plan. And to be frankly honest, I don't understand it, nor do I like it, but I have to accept it (obviously). I heard TD Jakes or somebody say when you go to God, you can't just sit there and be timid in your desires and your hopes. You can't just be like "Well, I'm happy to have whatever God gives me right now," he said that you have to literally "bang the door down" and tell him what you want. You always hear that "name your blessing/claim your blessing" type of thinking, and at times, I buy it, but I'm not ashamed to admit, I don't believe in it sometimes. I am also not ashamed to admit that it's a lot more difficult to hold onto your faith and principles when everything seems to remain the same.

You want something different. You SWEAR "this time" is gonna be different, when you follow the same exact steps as you did the last time. How can they be different?

I guess the key is to hold firm. And I mean TIGHT! Like the kind of tight you feel when you get the first row of your hair braided and you can't even imagine telling the braider to loosen it. TIGHT! YO....new analogy off of my braid metaphor:

When you're getting your hair braided, that first row kills. You develop little bumps around the hair and everything. You get through it, and the rest of the braids seem not to hurt nearly as much. But that first row, is KILLIN it. You want all of your braids to be tight because they last longer. But you gotta get through the first row. Suck them tears back, grab a pillow, get an attitude with someone, something to take the sting off. But the first row is just a symbol of longevity. Only the wise endure.

Until new-growth comes in.


"As Long As You Keep, Your Head To The Sky,"
-Sounds of Blackness

Tragic Inevitability

I am going to attempt to explain my understanding of this phrase. Ever since I bought that Lalah Hathaway cd, this phrase has stuck with me.
I think it means what she says; what will be, will be. Its just the 'tragic' aspect of the statement is what makes it complicated. Maybe it means something you know will happen, but you either don't want it to, or have no way of controlling/stopping it? Maybe you don't care about the outcome; that makes it 'tragic'.
Some things are bound to happen.
Again, I laugh as I face another summer in Southern California with a bleak outlook on my personal life. "Glimmers of hope" appear (shout out to Pres. Obama), but soon the glitter flakes off of the glue holding hope together. I often wonder the typical "why me?" Or "what am I doing wrong?" Living in such an image-conscious environment like So Cal, you internalize your differences and do something else or something about it.
I'm probably not doing anything wrong except living the life I choose to live. Judgemental? Who isn't? Naive? Damn right. Who knows everything? Scared? I'm only scared of things people pretend to be confident about. I guess I'm unashamed of being myself, no matter how immature and young-minded I appear. I honestly can't help it! And, I can't lie well enough to "stomp with the big dogs", so I will keep asking questions until I'm confident I can explain it to someone else.
I worry about myself in the sense that I have weird values that came from nowhere! I want the support of a strong man, but more than that, I want to be a support system for someone. When I fall in love, it happens quickly and intensely. When it ends, it hurts at an equal level. I learn new methods of dealing with men, with each man I talk to, but I never forget what it feels like to be in love. I always strive for at least that. I guess I'm old school or something. I don't know why. Never saw an example of love growing up, until I fell in it myself. (Raheem DeVaughn said "Why fall in love, when you can stand in it?"--damn) I am unwilling to get caught up in the 2009 game of love & consequences where you prepare for the end of the relationship instead of the here and now. It sucks. "Get you before you get me" type shit. Maxine Shaw (Erika Alexander from "Living Single") called it 'Prevenge'. Everyone seems unwilling to let the heart do what its supposed to. You got grown ass people walking around here with two brains. No heart. People underestimate the strength of the heart. It gets broken, but heals. I know how it feels to be hurt, and lied to. You can't shut the door on everyone because someone kicked you out of one. If someone finds the key to your heart, let them in.

"Tell me why, is it so?"
-Michael Jackson

Write Stuff

I'm still here. I still have this blog!? I'll be back with more posts soon. I have no job, no money, no honey, so WTF excuse do I have? None.
After while, crocodile.

re-tro-grade

Reverting to an earlier or inferior condition.-I knew I was on to something with this one.

This is the word that has described my position for the past 2 weeks or so. Jay-Z starts off "I Know" by saying "She wants that old thing back..uh/augh...." But the definition of retrograde hits it that much harder.

Reverting to an earlier or inferior condition. You ever sit back and think, "damn I wonder what 'so and so' is doing...." or "damn, I should do 'such and such' like I used to..." I been doing that lately. The ex has been on the mind in an unusual fashion lately. Random tendencies to think of him in an earlier condition. To think, it's been nearly 1 year (October 29th or so) since we parted hearts. I've been good this year. Some instances of crazy, but after much debate and turmoil, I severed ties with that chapter of my life. However, no matter how chill I am right now, he's in the back of the front of my mind. Not necessarily an itch to call or text, but he's there. A lot of things I used to do (not just him) have me thinking about trying them again or something. Faced with the choice to Fall back or Spring forward are as awkward as this weather we're having in Cali. I feel older, yet I still am the same Evelyn. I'm making BIG MAJOR MOVES and yet, I still am the same on the outside. I'm trying to bring my inner self out. I'm trying to reflect myself to the world: I want you to look at me and see what I see inside.

Reverting to an earlier or inferior condition.....Thinking about the ex....you ever wonder if when you're thinking about someone, are they thinking about you too? Is synergy real in that realm? I'll be thinking, then I stop myself for some reason and say "He ain't even THINKING about you, so why waste your time?" But is that true? How do I know? It used to be, if I was thinking about him, he'd call. And vice-versa. Random story: Once, a couple weeks after we split, he was saying something to the effect of "...I still love you" and I was like "Wow, I woke up singing that song (shout out to 702) this morning." Now, I know what you're thinking "He was just saying that..." and more than likely, you're probably right. However, I thought it was pretty fantastic at the time.

Reverting to an earlier or inferior condition....For me to just randomly think of him at this stage (on the brink of graduation, making the decision to apply to a masters degree program...becoming a DJ...) usually doesn't serve me well. Each time I get on and start making moves in the positive, thoughts of him and I pop up, and throw me off track. And then he really pops up, and EVERYTHING gets all fucked up and off balance. And it always happens around the middle of each month (also realized a full moon occurs around this time, and ya'll know what they say about the full moon and how it affects humans).

Retrograde. Whats the antonym for that?

40oz For Breakfast...What Ever Happened To Folgers In Your Cup?

I wish I would have written this an hour ago when it first happened. My mom had just dropped me off that the bus stop at 48th & F. Anyone who knows this little mini hood (I ain't hatin' if you live there, I'm just sayin'), knows that it's not the best residence this side of E St. So, I'm standing there, like I do most mornings waiting on the 5. Normally, ain't NOBODY outside at 9:30am. Today, it was a little different. I saw this lady standing in the doorway of her apartment SCREAMING at her son. He was taking his sweet time to get up and get out to school. She was cursing to no avail. Uttering the words "I'mma BEAT YOUR ASS TIL YOU GET HOME! What? What?" (you know how you mumble under your breath and your mom/dad plays Lil' Wayne with the 'what? wha-what?') Now, I didn't stare (I ain't no damn fool. Got slightly more sense than I appear to have). I did however, listen very closely to the words she was saying to her son. She was scolding dude for not going to school. Scolding him for not being ready on time. I was a lil'...mmm...perplexed at the irony of the situation. There were about 3 other folk out there watching this situation play out. They were sitting in lawn chairs watching, listening, and giving side commentary. Now, I know all too well about being screamed at in the morning for not getting up to go to school. Every single day during middle school and high school, at about 6:50am, like clockwork, my mom would bust through my door (I'm sure she just opened it, but I have to be dramatic) and say "Eb...time to get up." What did I do, pretend I didn't hear her. She'd come back 15 mins later "Evelyn, GET UP! You're gonna be late..." She'd come back 5 mins later "EVELYN! GOD DAMMIT I SAID GET UP!!! I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!!!! Shit..." Did I have an alarm clock? No. She was snooze. So watching this young man get roasted in front of his friends and random other people brought me back. I felt bad for him though. When he finally came downstairs amid all of this yelling, everyone was watching him. He walked outside and started walking the opposite way, toward the back of the apartments. He was looking for his buddies. All the people, including his mom were like "No nigga! You're going the wrong fucking way! They already went that way..." Just killin' him. Don't you hate when you are getting scolded and your first move is scrutinized like a mutha!? So he finally made his way down the street toward Cajon or something. The whole time he was walking toward the street, his mom was cussing him out. I'll never forget this, she screamed "GO TO SCHOOL!" That moment, right there...tells me, I gotta teach. These kids today have absolutely nothing exciting them about going to school. I felt for this kid. I watched him walk with the Bruh Man slow bop toward school. I just watched him. He's supposed to be walking toward his future, but dude can't stay woke. I got to thinking about what would cause him to oversleep. Oh, I dunno, the fact that he's probably lived in abject poverty his whole life. The fact that there is no inspiration around him to do better with himself since his mom is drinking MGD at 9:30 in the morning, and her friends are watching him get grilled. I thought about what's taking place today-Barack Obama's convention speech. I wondered if they were gonna watch it. The mom was screaming at her son "GO TO SCHOOL!!!" The son should have shouted it back at her...

Can We Pray?

Ask yourself this question:
How many times have you told God about everything that's going on inside of your heart and mind? How many times did you take the time to listen to what he had to say?

See, I'm a new Christian (it's been like 3 years since I got Saved), and I am struggling with being "Christian Enough". It seems like my faith in God is stronger at times, than at others. I struggle, daily, with telling the Lord all of my troubles. A lot of times, I am embarassed to talk to the Lord, because I feel like everything that I worry about is so insignificant compared to the worries of others. I feel like, all of the feelings that plague me, are solvable. I shouldn't be bothering God with the small stuff. I sit, almost everyday, and come to God with the same sad story. Brokenhearted, counterproductive me. I want to do good. I want to pick myself off of the ground and march on. It is SO difficult to do sometimes though. I draw all of my strength from the Lord. However, I subconsciously think that I am so strong that "Hey, I'll get through it." When in all actuality, I end up dwelling on it even further. How do you 'let go, and let God'? Countlesss times, I have handed over my worries to God and said "Lord, I'm putting it in your hands." With open arms, he accepts my worries. Somehow, someway, I manage to wiggle back to his hands and take them back out and try to fix them myself. The best relief comes as soon as you hand over your worries. The 'in between' time is good too, because you learn things. You test your faith. The problem is, the things you learn after you hand over your worries to God seem to be 'good enough' to handle the worries, so you take your worries back and say "Chill God, I got this." These are my struggles, and I'm sticking to them, so help me God.
"I've been here all morning..."-Kem